Depressed, I do not want anyone to tell me that:

  • life is a gift for which god is to be thanked.
    Life is a curse.
    If god gave it to me, then I want to give it back.. along with a punch in the nose.
  • life is eternal.
    I desperately wanted life to reach an end.
    The worst part of life was that it felt like an eternity. The only comfort was the faith that it would, someday, cease.
  • god loves me.
    No one, I believed, could love me. And I was no fan of love.
    Love was many things:
    a(nother) arena in which to fail… a lie brandished by those who wished that they were happy, a taunt flouted by those who really are, the untrustworthy reach of others towards myself.
    If love is a lie, it is a cruel one. If love is real, only a fool would extend it to me. (If there a god, it seems odd that he would be a fool).
    …To be with church-people — apparently comforted or even joyful in the faith that god loves them — is excruciating. Depending on the moment, it is a reminder that I am unlovable, or a reminder that they have something which I lack…



Savile Lumley. commissioned by The British Parliamentary Recruiting Committee. 1915. Victoria&Albert Museum. UK.

she (excerpt No.3)

February 18, 2011

circa 1993


February 15, 2011

circa 1995


…if you have been brought up to be independant and self-sustaining, it is far harder to turn to someone else and ask for help, it’s hard to admit that your mind has just crumbled in on itself… You don’t have the language to reach out, you don’t have the knowledge to reach out, your pride gets in the way…


Kay Redfield Jamison
paraphrased from an interview
(TVO Allan Gregg)





Ernie&Bert ; all one word

February 4, 2011

What sense does Ernie make without Bert…
…or I without you?

“Out beyond ideas of wrong-doing and right-doing, there is a field. I will be there.”


she (excerpt No2)

February 2, 2011

circa 1993

Among a list of “logical fallacies” one is stuck in my teeth.
The argument from despair.

The feeling that “it would be horrible of x were the case” is no evidence that it is not. Eg1: i believe in god because i could no bear to think of the universe as adrift. Eg2: there must be a list of things which are inherently right or wrong, otherwise we would be living in a world without guidance, where “anything goes”.